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I look at people sometimes and think… Really??? That’s the sperm that won.
When I die, I want my grave to offer free Wifi so that people visit more often.
I love food and sleep. If I give you a bit of food or text you all night, that means something.
Just saw the most smartest person when I was in front of the mirror.
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Don’t be so happy, I don’t really forgive people, I just pretend like it’s okay and wait for my turn to destroy them.
You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.
The road to success is always under construction.
Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.
Born to express not to impress.
Silent people have the loudest minds.
Don’t compare yourself with anyone in this world… if you do so, you are insulting yourself…
You’re like a sharpie – super fine.
I know I’m a handful, but that’s why you have two hands.
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I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.
Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when I’m with you.
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Bought a talking parrot today and taught him to say “Help, I’ve been turned into a parrot.”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Am quitting face book to face my books.
Facebook should add a “dislike button” some updates are just too senseless.
I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge.
Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to talk to a wall.
(Writes on FB) Gotta update my status (Clicks update)
Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
I may not be the best, I may not loved by any one but I am me. That’s what makes me special.
A deaf child says “For all of you I am deaf but for me all of you are dumb”. Life have different perspective live the way you want to!
The problem is not the problem; the problem is your attitude about the problem.
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Why didn’t I use my turn signals? It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible?
Does anyone else have plastic bags full of plastic bags or is it just me?
Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.
Life is always rocky when you’re a gem.
I need a timeout. Send me to the beach and don’t let me come back until I change my attitude.
The bigger the challenge, the greater risk I’ll take, the more contented I am.
Don’t like my attitude? Report me at whocares dot com
Success is the by-product of your attitude.
Hated by many, wanted by plenty, disliked by some, confronted by none.
Attitude is like pregnancy, no matter how long you hide it, it will come out.
Quit posting junk that no one cares about!! It’s called FILLING UP MY NEWS FEED!!!
I know that I am beautiful, looking is enough but staring is too much.
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I’m going on a date with my pillow! Goodnight 🙂
Lauren lives vicariously… Through herself.
47% of all statistics are worthless.
Life is too short to worry about matching socks.
Your idea is completely terrible… so what time shall we do it?
True love is truly amazing only when it’s truly true.
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Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.
What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.
Facebook is where hypocrisy, falseness, double standards, rumors and depression meet up for coffee.
I’d say we should have a “You Bore me” button on Facebook!
Single doesn’t always mean lonely and relationship doesn’t always mean happy.
Paper cut: A tree’s final moment of revenge.
People like me great. People don’t like me great. As long as I like myself that all that matters.
David loves animals. Especially the sweet and sour chicken.
Liking your own status is like high fiving yourself in the face.
I wish that I could put my status to what I am really thinking.
I should change my name to No One, that way when I request you as a friend it will say “No One wants to be your friend”.
I should change my name to No One, that way when I request you as a friend it will say “No One wants to be your friend”.
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Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don’t you let them?
That moment when you spell a word so wrong, even auto-correct is like “I’ve got nothing man.”
A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”, so I said “Scissors, I win!” and drove off.
There are two types of human beings found on Facebook. One who gets an enormous amount of likes and comments on their posts. And the others are men.
Behind every successful Facebook update, there’s ctrl+c & ctrl +v.
Say it to my face, not through your status!
Don’t piss me off then tell me to calm down, that’s like stabbing someone and then asking why they’re bleeding.
Today I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym.
I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.
Sorry I didn’t pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone.
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There’s something missing in my life, I just don’t know if it’s a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza.
I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?
Cavities are like parking tickets, they show up by surprise and take all your pocket money.
I don’t have the time or crayons to explain myself to you.
If Facebook ruins relationships then guns kill people, pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk & spoons make you fat.
All you have to know about celery is that it’s made up of 95% water, and it’s 100% not pizza.
Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.
Don’t worry about what to wear today, your smile goes with any clothes.
I bet you anything that I can stop gambling right now.
My middle finger salutes your attitude.
I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
The person who has ruined my life is one and only Mark Zuckerberg 😀
Who needs TV we got Facebook DRAMA.
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Go away don’t talk to me right now cause it’s my break time and I’m on FB mode…
Has implemented a healthy routine, affecting immediately . Very basic and it’s free – Nap Time!!
Thank you to every person who has ever told me I can’t. You are just another reason I will.
I made my Facebook name “Benefits,” so when you add me now it says “you’re friends with benefits.”
Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurrasic Park.
How does a train eat? Chew, Chew…
At night, I can’t fall asleep. In the morning, I can’t get up.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket.”
Guys are like stars, there are millions of them, but only one makes your dreams come true.
Create your own visual style… let it be unique for yourself and yet identifiable for others.
Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.
It is almost impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
No matter how strong of a person you are, there’s always someone who can make you weak.
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Phones are better than girlfriends, at least we can switch off.
I love my job only when I’m on vacation
Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
When I was born. Devil said,”Oh Shit! Competition!!!”
I work for money, for loyalty hire a Dog.
Some people are alive only, because it’s illegal to kill them.
When nothing goes right… Go left!
Life is like riding a bicycle to keep your balance, you must keep moving.
You’re already a successful personal. The things we take for granted someone else is praying for.
Dreams is not what you see in sleep, Is the thing which doesn’t let you sleep.
I will win, not immediately but definitely.
If you want to make your dreams come true, The first thing you have to do is wake up.
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I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.
The greatest advantage of speaking the truth is that you don’t have to remember what you said.
I’m not failed… my success is just postponed.
God is really creative, I mean…just look at m!!!
I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy saving mode.
Please be patient even a toilet can handle only one ass hole at a time.
Whenever i have a problem, I just sing, Then i realize my voice is worse than my problem.
Diets are hard because I get hungry.
We live in the era of smartphones and stupid peoples.
